Ready For More

Imagine, last year I was experiencing panic attacks and spinning in the middle of the street, feeling all clammy and shaky. Now, I am ready to take on the world and things have been on the upswing. Amazing.

2012 has been one curly roller coaster ride. I hope to untangle memories and share with you some wonderful lessons I have learned… the hard way, mate. Hmmm.


The year is not over yet .


It Gets Better And Better

…and the light switch gets turned on.

In the past few months, I have managed to do further clean-up, in my mind, my environment and in my relationships. My wellness regimen is on the upswing and I practice no attachment . Let go, let flow.

I write to give a heads up to the process. Last year I have battled anxiety and awareness helped in bringing it to the light.

Now I focus on the present moment and concentrate on work, more exercise, quiet time and meditation. SELF-CARE in all caps.

It has been raining a lot and I am in coffee shops more times than I want to, but I am blessed. I am here, when others are so affected by the rains and have to flee their flooded homes. I am grateful.

I look out the window and see a beautiful city. Its new, modern, dynamic and I am a part of it.

My new life has truly begun.


Another Good Sunday

I enjoyed sleeping this week. That is odd, for me. When I had anxiety episodes last year, it was very hard to sleep, I could only manage about 2 hours of shut eye and I would be awake the whole day. Now a full 8 hours plus an extra one makes me feel well rested.

I spent Saturday night chilling, watching dvd or reading and snoozing in between, whatever.

I woke up and got online. My internet provider sucks, as most in the Philippines does. There is no good internet signal. I have to be here very early in the morning to get a post in and do some surfing. Hmmph.

In a few minutes I will sleep some more until its time for an early breakfast around 7am. Life is good.


Wonton Noodle Soup




Breakfast in a Sunday Farmers’ Market



I will get the Sunday paper, probably go to the farmers’ market ¬†and have a good noodle soup with siomai. Wonderful. It’s really free falling today with a couple of chores like giving my kitchen top a good clean up and bathroom scrub. Typical condo cleaning.\

Later I will read about yoga and do some poses. A nap after sounds decadent, but I may go for it, too. See?

I choose to do all of these instead of worrying about work, or getting upset about an absentee father coming back into my family’s life and intruding into our senses. I will take things one day at a time and be detached to desired outcomes.

Today is being in the present, on a Sunday. ūüôā

International Women’s Day 2012

It’s today, March 8, the International Women’s Day. It is celebrated all over the world to honor women. I am sure there are so many events happening every where to commemorate and give special treatment to woman kind.

Well, I go through my usual day, with a sprained ankle I got yesterday. I twisted it walking over uneven cement road. My right pinky toe is still broken from hitting a metal chair last Monday. So over all, I have a busted right foot. I have a pile of paperwork on my table and some virus issues in my laptop. So by itself, it is pretty toxic.

But I am not gonna take shit from anybody today. I will celebrate my life as a woman. For what it’s worth, I have accomplished a lot. I am an independent single mother, I have endured and triumped over domestic violence, gone through depression and just got over having anxiety attacks. I have coached myself, with the help of some good-meaning friends out of the doldrums and moving along in 2012.

To put it simply, I am going to be kind to myself. It’s a conscious effort, as I, like other women are nurturers. We take care of a lot things and a lot of other people first. Their needs before mine. Well, I am not ignoring anything at all, I am just going to focus on my own well-being. ¬†This must be an everyday thing, not just for today. It’s a nice feeling, actually. I feel kinda beat-up. So I will nourish myself back to good health, joyful feeling and blissful life.

Anxiety No More

I observed myself for the whole time since I last posted and now confident enough to say this. Yes, my anxiety feeling is gone. I haven’t had any panic attacks or spinning moments since early December. Life concerns are still the same and been doing the daily grind but its been emotionally manageable. In fact, truth be told, I am happy.

I haven’t turned to food in a bad way. No emotional eating except a day when I craved for ice cream, but that was PMS. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink alcohol on a regular basis. I have a bottle of vodka and tequila for making cocktails but I haven’t fixed myself a drink yet. The only movie I saw this month is Underworld, The Awakening. That movie got stale for me. So what gives?

I ( and most likely you) know what to do but I haven’t done it until lately. Totally let go of what was making me tied up in knots. Let go and let God is a sentence we all have heard before. Its what cliches are made of. But, its true. When we get to the core of what and who we are, we know. So, I detached. I accepted, I don’t have control of things and I just let it go the way it wants to go. Today, it doesn’t have to be the way I wanted to, it is just is.

I have emptied my cup. I am filling it up anew. New friendships, new relationships, new things to do, or just a different way of doing the same thing.

Next, feel the power. Feel the power…..of LOVE. See? another cliche. But, still true.

I am truly loved.  (Check that out in Google. It is a whole website full of enlightening articles).

My affection is received too. (The giving is welcomed, I mean). Who? By all of you. Isn’t that wonderful?

I have been moving around with a purpose, that takes out the hopeless feeling and believing that being proactive about life concerns removes the anxious emotions. Its called EMPOWERMENT. Being above thought rather than below. Fight things with all you’ve got. Be victorious.

I was stirring a pot of stew, intent on getting the right taste and texture for the sauce, when in my mind I realized that  a way to deal with anxiety is to take charge and master the needed skill to topple over the defeating emotions of anxiety that is based on not being able to do or handle the situation. Sometimes we really have to deal with it, but with  tools and skills to achieve results.

I still got a ton of things to fix in life. They didn’t disappear or got solved already. Far from it. But here is another cliche that works, its how I react to them that matters. Its my CHOICE.


They Are Gifts

Presents they are also called. LOL.

My life recently is in chaos. Losing someone, Anxiety, Depression, Lack of Direction in Work, Moving To A New Place, Health Concerns, all while being alone.

I can do badly with these, or I can take up each one, open what each box contains and see it another way.

He did well with me, but he couldn’t stay. The minutes, hours and days spent with him, were memorable. Somebody else has to top that.

Anxiety and Depression stopped by for a visit right after that. They stayed for a while, about 3 months, making me lose direction in work and in life. But I finally beat them at my own game, the game of Life.

Right now, I have a new interest and vigor in what I do for a living, I am enjoying myself and have great plans for the ensuing months. Watch out 2012.

Ah, the new place. The move was not as cathartic as I thought it would be. I did lose myself for a while. I felt weak, fearful and unsure of myself. That too came to pass. I am now making a new life at a new apartment. How cool is that?

I do need to stay the course. But the future is not guaranteed for any of us. I breathe in a new day today 11-11-2011. I have opened my presents and liked not what I initially saw, but in the use they have in making my life better.

Remember To: LIVE!

We recall our departed every November 1, whatever day that may fall in the Roman Calendar.  Filipinos travel back to their hometowns, where their families are from over the 7,100 islands of the archipelago. Those who have migrated or established new roots would go where that family is now. Others stay where they are, not to visit graves in cemeteries, but still  remember those they loved that have past on. At sundown, we light candles and pray for their souls.

I wasn’t comfortable taking pictures of cemeteries, so there isn’t one here.

In my family, my younger brother, Cris died when he was 31. Before him, my grandmother and grandfather who raised us, and recently, my stepfather Alex, who just died a year ago. So I light 4 candles.


I light an extra candle, and this I will watch till its all melted down and flickers off into the darkness. I say goodbye to my old dead self. Fear, anger, regret, depression all contribute to one’s living death. I have grieved too long, kept the the thoughts far too much and over stayed where I am. I have done the healing, ¬†forgiven and let go of the past hurt. Whatever is left, is gonna go away, ¬†like the wax dripping down and disappearing.


I give a new life to myself. Earlier,  I got the keys to the new condo and I can move already. It is going to take me a few days to fully transfer, but I am underway.

I know why I am really anxious. It is not lost to me the real reason. Holding on to it just prolongs the panic attacks and the life not lived. So, it is marked. Today, I lay down the dead and go with my new self.

Will the panic attacks just be gone? Will I always be happy? Is it over just like that?  I will let you know at the end of the week.