Personal Shaper

I admire people out there saving the environment, feeding the hungry people of Africa, and protecting the endangered whales of the seas. They are so awesome, taking care of other things than themselves. At one point in my life, I have been called to public service and did my tour. That was the time of the earthquake and erupting volcanoes. Nowadays, my area of responsibility is smaller. I take care of  my daughter, my recuperating mother, my clients’ needs, a soon to open office with partners. Yeah, those are others, and also a significant one that is part of my life now.

So I focus more now on the homefront and myself. The operative word being, myself. I guess its  a phase. I want to have the full awareness of this time, to embrace what’s going on and come out of it like I milked it with every wonderful experience I could. Let’s say, a year? 12 months of taking care of myself, learning about me and letting me be the best that I can be. I take on shaping myself  as a project.

ASPECTS OF MY LIFE

Wellness is a priority, as in my next meal undergoes change as my body cannot take food from fast food and restaurants with a lot of additive, flavor enhancers named “spices” and MSG. I feel sick immediately after eating and it takes several days a  lot of antihistamine to get the toxins out.

Moving the yoga way. I make my practice a personal one. I do it privately. I haven’t joined a class. There is a club nearby I can go, maybe in a few months as I expand my hours out of the  home.

Study up. My book shelves  are full of stuff I want to read on.

Personal care. I am too lazy to keep up with my regimens. Now is the time to get back into the ritual.

Work takes a lot of  my time too these days. That is fun as I like what I do. With my project, our new office is about to open up, so there is a lot to do.

Later on, travel and seeing places.

I hope to have a home church too within this time, to nourish my spiritual growth.

That’s a good list of things to focus on in the coming months of 2012. Before writing this post, I have been feeling quite guilty as I think its selfish. But I am glad I made this decision and said my declarations.

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A Defining Moment

I am moving apartments.

Believe me, I wasn’t excited about it. I hired a couple of people to do my packing. Why? My place at one time or another looked like this:

Gwyneth Paltrow (like me)

But mine were in bookshelves.

Still, imagine packing twice, maybe three times that.

Ok, you get the picture. Over the years, I have accumulated a lot of books. They offer comfort, understanding, peace and well….knowledge.

Books are to me, what shoes are to Carrie Bradshaw.

In this move, I have 65 boxes and cartons. All books and periodicals, magazines. I am not one for love or fiction books. Although I have  a couple by Jeffrey Archer (Kane and Abel and The Prodigal Daughter) and Dan Brown ( Da Vinci Code) where through its media buzz, made me buy and read it.

I have a lot of cookbooks. Of course.

I also have marketing, sales and psychology books. Sssseeeelllllf Heeeelp (don’t shoot me) and Christian/Religious Books have been staple read for years. Recently I have nutrition and wellness ones . Gosh, I am uncomfortable discussing this. It’s like I am describing to you what I have in my goodie drawer.

I want to get rid of them. I feel like I have gotten what I want from them and now its all mute.  Truly  confusing time, this is. Again, it is whispered, from chaos, get it in order. Speak your truth, my truth. I do not want these anymore.

Want do I want? I want to live what these books and papers say. It is all in me, with me, as me.  Been doing a lot of armchair living I see. No more. Making this move has not be a breeze. Not like in my coming here 2 years ago. Now I understand why. Had this been easy, with a herd of helpers sweeping and carrying stuff, it would have been easy. They would be bringing all my crap, just throwing everything in the boxes and taking it out in the truck. Then I would just be carrying it to the new apartment.

This time I have to be selective. Not everything comes with me inside. Most of the stuff will be in storage for a while until I can sort them all out. It has to be this way. I cannot keep them, they are not mine anymore.

Remember To: LIVE!

We recall our departed every November 1, whatever day that may fall in the Roman Calendar.  Filipinos travel back to their hometowns, where their families are from over the 7,100 islands of the archipelago. Those who have migrated or established new roots would go where that family is now. Others stay where they are, not to visit graves in cemeteries, but still  remember those they loved that have past on. At sundown, we light candles and pray for their souls.

I wasn’t comfortable taking pictures of cemeteries, so there isn’t one here.

In my family, my younger brother, Cris died when he was 31. Before him, my grandmother and grandfather who raised us, and recently, my stepfather Alex, who just died a year ago. So I light 4 candles.

Candles

I light an extra candle, and this I will watch till its all melted down and flickers off into the darkness. I say goodbye to my old dead self. Fear, anger, regret, depression all contribute to one’s living death. I have grieved too long, kept the the thoughts far too much and over stayed where I am. I have done the healing,  forgiven and let go of the past hurt. Whatever is left, is gonna go away,  like the wax dripping down and disappearing.

NEW LIFE!

I give a new life to myself. Earlier,  I got the keys to the new condo and I can move already. It is going to take me a few days to fully transfer, but I am underway.

I know why I am really anxious. It is not lost to me the real reason. Holding on to it just prolongs the panic attacks and the life not lived. So, it is marked. Today, I lay down the dead and go with my new self.

Will the panic attacks just be gone? Will I always be happy? Is it over just like that?  I will let you know at the end of the week.