We recall our departed every November 1, whatever day that may fall in the Roman Calendar. Filipinos travel back to their hometowns, where their families are from over the 7,100 islands of the archipelago. Those who have migrated or established new roots would go where that family is now. Others stay where they are, not to visit graves in cemeteries, but still remember those they loved that have past on. At sundown, we light candles and pray for their souls.
I wasn’t comfortable taking pictures of cemeteries, so there isn’t one here.
In my family, my younger brother, Cris died when he was 31. Before him, my grandmother and grandfather who raised us, and recently, my stepfather Alex, who just died a year ago. So I light 4 candles.
I light an extra candle, and this I will watch till its all melted down and flickers off into the darkness. I say goodbye to my old dead self. Fear, anger, regret, depression all contribute to one’s living death. I have grieved too long, kept the the thoughts far too much and over stayed where I am. I have done the healing, forgiven and let go of the past hurt. Whatever is left, is gonna go away, like the wax dripping down and disappearing.
I give a new life to myself. Earlier, I got the keys to the new condo and I can move already. It is going to take me a few days to fully transfer, but I am underway.
I know why I am really anxious. It is not lost to me the real reason. Holding on to it just prolongs the panic attacks and the life not lived. So, it is marked. Today, I lay down the dead and go with my new self.
Will the panic attacks just be gone? Will I always be happy? Is it over just like that? I will let you know at the end of the week.